shred
7th September 2006, 04:18 PM
(Present company excluded, of course)
Lately, I've been thinking about what visitors from the Mainland must think of the driving of the average yob on Tasmanian roads. I've come up with a list of rules to be followed if you are a visitor and want to fit in with the crowd on Tassie's roads. I'm sure that you guys can add a few to this list...
1. Don't use your indicators. Ever. That stalk on the side of the steering wheel is only there for hanging fluffy dice or small handbags off. The orange light on each corner of the vehicle is a hazard light - turning these on entitles you to park your car anywhere, anytime - preferably double-parked in a busy street in peak hour traffic.
2. Hog the right hand lane on the highway. Make sure that you don't exceed 70km/h in 100 or 110 km/h zones as you do this. After all, you are making the World a safer place by preventing other drivers from driving at anything approaching the dangerously high speed limit. If challenged, claim that you were going to turn right at some stage in the next 10km. Write a letter to the local newspaper complaining about all the tailgating on this stretch of road. (Seriously, as I write this 3/8/06, there's one of these in The Examiner).
3. Your car two headlights. This is purely a redundancy feature - after all, you only need one to see where you are going. Try to make sure that it's the driver's side headlight that doesn't work, then drive slightly over the centre line on the road at night. Scaring the living s--t out of people coming the other way, who will think that your car is an approaching motor bike is doing them a favour by ensuring that they stay alert.
4. In the unlikely event that both headlights work on your car, ensure that at least one is aimed too high, so that you are "high beaming" traffic coming the other way when the lights are on low beam. When approaching motorists flash their lights at you because of this, flash your lights back at them.
5. Park lights. If it's foggy, raining or approaching dusk, turn on your park lights. Those tiny little biddy 1/2 watt torch globes can be seen for miles and are sooo much more effective than headlights or fog lights.
6. Turning. When turning corners, start slowing for the turn about a block before you get there. Immediately before going around the corner, feint a turn in the other direction. In other words, if turning right, swing as far to the left as possible (preferably into the gutter) before executing the right hand turn. If turning left, swing to the right first. When turning on a multi-lane road, make sure that you go at least half way across the adjacent lane. Combined with rule number 1 (no indicators), this will keep drivers in the adjacent lanes on their toes and ensures that nobody will have a clue about which way you are actually turning.
7. Roundabouts. You have to stop at all roundabouts. Do not, under any circumstances, drive onto a roundabout without first coming to a complete halt and waiting until there is not another car in sight.
8. Dawdle at 70km/h on two lane sections of highway where it is not possible for anyone behind you to overtake. Speed up to 110km/h on straight sections of road or in places where there are overtaking lanes.
9. If driving a log truck, make sure that there's always lots of gravel, bits of wood and bark falling off the back of the truck to trash people's cars. Make sure that the truck has bald tyres and obscured the back number plate. Speed through red lights in the City. Take corners on narrow country roads at great speed and on the wrong side of the road. Motorists coming the other way just love finding a log truck with 40 odd tonnes of old growth forest on board hurtling straight at them on their side of the road.
10. Brake lights are optional. It's quite acceptable to drive with no brake lights functioning - after all, as a driver you can't see your own brake lights anyway and if someone runs up the back of your car, it's all their fault.
11. Take off flat out at the lights in your beat up old XF Falcon or VB Commodore with bits falling off it and acres of rust. Brag to all your mates about how quick your car is and how you beat a WRX / BMW M3 etc. Never mind the fact that the other driver didn't know that it was a race and could have nailed you even if they were taking off in fourth gear.
12. When you are looking for a parking space in the city, if you see someone get into a parked car just stop right there and wait for them to leave the parking space. Complain to your passenger about "impatient drivers tooting their horns" as you completely block the traffic for two or three cycles of the traffic lights while waiting for "your" parking spot.
13. Buy a big four wheel drive as your around town daily driver. Make sure that it puffs great clouds of black, foul smelling, diesel chaff. Don't give way to anyone or anything, after all your car is bigger than theirs. Give them the old two fingered salute, or shake your fist at them out the window as they screech to a halt to avoid you. (A.K.A. "The Volvo Drivers of New Millennium").
14. When turning right at the traffic lights, stop and wait for the green light, then put your indicator on when the lights change. Wonder about "the young people of today" when the fella in the car behind you toots their horn at you.
15. When merging onto a highway from the slip lane, come to a complete stop and wait until there is not another car in sight before proceeding.
Lately, I've been thinking about what visitors from the Mainland must think of the driving of the average yob on Tasmanian roads. I've come up with a list of rules to be followed if you are a visitor and want to fit in with the crowd on Tassie's roads. I'm sure that you guys can add a few to this list...
1. Don't use your indicators. Ever. That stalk on the side of the steering wheel is only there for hanging fluffy dice or small handbags off. The orange light on each corner of the vehicle is a hazard light - turning these on entitles you to park your car anywhere, anytime - preferably double-parked in a busy street in peak hour traffic.
2. Hog the right hand lane on the highway. Make sure that you don't exceed 70km/h in 100 or 110 km/h zones as you do this. After all, you are making the World a safer place by preventing other drivers from driving at anything approaching the dangerously high speed limit. If challenged, claim that you were going to turn right at some stage in the next 10km. Write a letter to the local newspaper complaining about all the tailgating on this stretch of road. (Seriously, as I write this 3/8/06, there's one of these in The Examiner).
3. Your car two headlights. This is purely a redundancy feature - after all, you only need one to see where you are going. Try to make sure that it's the driver's side headlight that doesn't work, then drive slightly over the centre line on the road at night. Scaring the living s--t out of people coming the other way, who will think that your car is an approaching motor bike is doing them a favour by ensuring that they stay alert.
4. In the unlikely event that both headlights work on your car, ensure that at least one is aimed too high, so that you are "high beaming" traffic coming the other way when the lights are on low beam. When approaching motorists flash their lights at you because of this, flash your lights back at them.
5. Park lights. If it's foggy, raining or approaching dusk, turn on your park lights. Those tiny little biddy 1/2 watt torch globes can be seen for miles and are sooo much more effective than headlights or fog lights.
6. Turning. When turning corners, start slowing for the turn about a block before you get there. Immediately before going around the corner, feint a turn in the other direction. In other words, if turning right, swing as far to the left as possible (preferably into the gutter) before executing the right hand turn. If turning left, swing to the right first. When turning on a multi-lane road, make sure that you go at least half way across the adjacent lane. Combined with rule number 1 (no indicators), this will keep drivers in the adjacent lanes on their toes and ensures that nobody will have a clue about which way you are actually turning.
7. Roundabouts. You have to stop at all roundabouts. Do not, under any circumstances, drive onto a roundabout without first coming to a complete halt and waiting until there is not another car in sight.
8. Dawdle at 70km/h on two lane sections of highway where it is not possible for anyone behind you to overtake. Speed up to 110km/h on straight sections of road or in places where there are overtaking lanes.
9. If driving a log truck, make sure that there's always lots of gravel, bits of wood and bark falling off the back of the truck to trash people's cars. Make sure that the truck has bald tyres and obscured the back number plate. Speed through red lights in the City. Take corners on narrow country roads at great speed and on the wrong side of the road. Motorists coming the other way just love finding a log truck with 40 odd tonnes of old growth forest on board hurtling straight at them on their side of the road.
10. Brake lights are optional. It's quite acceptable to drive with no brake lights functioning - after all, as a driver you can't see your own brake lights anyway and if someone runs up the back of your car, it's all their fault.
11. Take off flat out at the lights in your beat up old XF Falcon or VB Commodore with bits falling off it and acres of rust. Brag to all your mates about how quick your car is and how you beat a WRX / BMW M3 etc. Never mind the fact that the other driver didn't know that it was a race and could have nailed you even if they were taking off in fourth gear.
12. When you are looking for a parking space in the city, if you see someone get into a parked car just stop right there and wait for them to leave the parking space. Complain to your passenger about "impatient drivers tooting their horns" as you completely block the traffic for two or three cycles of the traffic lights while waiting for "your" parking spot.
13. Buy a big four wheel drive as your around town daily driver. Make sure that it puffs great clouds of black, foul smelling, diesel chaff. Don't give way to anyone or anything, after all your car is bigger than theirs. Give them the old two fingered salute, or shake your fist at them out the window as they screech to a halt to avoid you. (A.K.A. "The Volvo Drivers of New Millennium").
14. When turning right at the traffic lights, stop and wait for the green light, then put your indicator on when the lights change. Wonder about "the young people of today" when the fella in the car behind you toots their horn at you.
15. When merging onto a highway from the slip lane, come to a complete stop and wait until there is not another car in sight before proceeding.